The past and Moving on: Journey to the Future

For as long as you look into the past, you will never be able to appreciate the present and realize what the future has in store for you. The pain, regrets about decisions and situations that happened before now are out of your hand- the only thing you are capable of is controlling how you respond to the situation.

I believe forgiveness is one of the toughest paradoxes. Selfish, yet selfless. Selfish because it is mostly for your own good and selfless because if the other person cares, then you also give them relief. It is only through forgiveness that we begin healing.

There are things about me that I have carried; that I did not want to let go because (as crazy as this sounds) they were the core constructs of my wall to fence off people. In my short life, I have been on the road to hell (maybe) even got there; and back. I have learnt that friends are important and will keep you sane when you think life is over.

One thing I have also come to appreciate is, in order for you to get to the peak- you have to hit rock bottom. This is such a dark moment in one’s life and regardless of whether or not you are alone: only you have the power to realize and decide that you can’t sink any lower and have to rise up. It is only after this realization and accepting the situation that true and honest strides towards forgiveness of oneself can be made. It is in forgiving ourselves that we create the possibility of forgiving others. It is in letting go of the past that we have the ability to move on.

I may not be one to honestly talk about my challenges as I experience them; I prefer to talk about them once I overcome them- successfully or not. I have attributed this to the notion of making decisions due to own conviction. Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. As much as the reasons might be noble, it also good to seek the counsel of others- and God- but you have to careful in this. 1 John 4:1  Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world. There are times that our decisions are clouded by emotions and we need someone with a clear view to guide us. It is because of this that I have armed myself with three women who I consider my prayer warriors. There is comfort in knowing, when you are down and knocked out proper, there is someone standing in the gap for you.

Trials are part of life, if we never go through fire, our worth will not be known. When you are out of the furnace:

1.       Take a deep breath

2.       Stand (reflect),

3.       Dust yourself off ( of anger, regrets, disappointments- things of the past)  

4.       That first step towards a new journey (walk with pride).

For as long as you are driving using the rearview mirror, you will never get to see where you are going. Out with the past, and make a clean slate to enjoy the present and anything the future may have in store. Equip yourself with things that will not only facilitate your movement in the right direction, but also sustain the movement indefinitely. Rebuild a relationship with yourself, and with your maker before you can venture out to mend broken bridges or make new ones. Be the kind of person you would wish to attract- hurting people not only hurt others, but may also attract hurting people. You attract what you profess.

 When all is said and done it is in not having that we appreciate having, it is in hurting that we nurture, it is in death that there is rebirth…it is in forgiveness that there is healing.

 

My side gig.

Stevie I may not be, but a wonder I am

1.       Dugi dugi dug dug- wagi wagi wag wag *till you get tired.

2.       Dugi dugi waga waga*till you get tired (Kinda goes like “Boom boom chakalaka”)

3.       Baby ya maaaaam-*till you get tired.

4.       Sing K, K,K  if K is your name,

    Sing K, K,K  if K is your name,

    You can say it oncey, oncey,

    Or say it twicy, icy,

    Sing K, K,K  if K is your name.

5.       Babi babi bab-bab*till you get tired.

These are just some of the songs to my credit, never mind that the tunes may be wholly or partially borrowed from popular sing along’ s. I know my husband and my friends would readily discredit my talent for singing but in my son’s eyes, am the best singer songwriter. Mozart has nothing on mommy. My husband swears I would be slapped with a copyright infringement lawsuit if any singer songwriter ever heard me give my rendition of their songs. I wish I was altering their master pieces intentionally but God knows my vocal chords are so rigid that the only sort of variation they accommodate is either the lowering or raising of my voice.     

The naysayers aside, I am proud to declare that my son, God bless him, is my number one fan- for now at least. Together we make the ultimate super music group of the singer song writer and clapper (that’s K’s job- clapping to mommy’s awesome compositions).

You see, today I want to celebrate mums for being the unappreciated creative artists; for the many stories we give that go unpublished; for the many songs that remain unsung; for the many ways (trickery or bribery)that we have invented to calm our kids down. We are innovators and inventors. I will prove it to you:

You see, to calm my son down, I hum the tune to the twelve days of Christmas song…it’s not that he anticipates being given a gifts, rather, that is our “tickle song”. (Bet you didn’t know that existed). “On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me”……and he smiles because mummy tickles right about that point. When he’s crying and being all fussy.

To make him open his mouth to eat (So you know , food in his mouth is no guarantee that he will swallow it. But it’s a step), I sing use the line from Johny Johny yes papa, “open your mouth and say…”then he says ”a-a” and we put(stuff) food into his mouth. You see, the “a-a” bit has become part of him, he says it when hungry.

To make him give mummy some breathing space, I ask repeatedly, ”Where is baba?” And he immediately runs to his father…for a second or two, and then he comes back. Mama’s boy in the making, but hey, who’s complaining?

To sneak out of the house- I play don't you worry child by the Swedish House Mafia(The irony is crazy-right?) or Mov'it by King Julian and the Penguins of Madagascar. With these songs-leaving the house is easy A.

Who ever came up with peek-a-boo is a genius, and I bet a mother. See, Peek-a-boo is not only for comic relief but also gives mummy two seconds to hide whatever it she doesn’t want baby to see- money, phone; you name it-I’ll hide it in a jiffy.

To all mothers who got creative juices running- keep the stuff going.  When all is said and done, only our number one fans count; after all, you and I are EVERY WOMAN.

Review

Review

The first week of school was awesome‼! I learnt a few things- about others, and myself as well.

1.      I still get excited when a lecturer doesn’t come to class- especially if it is on a Friday‼‼ Don’t be too quick to judge me. Well, you see, at this point I was tired and just wanted to hang out with my boys (maybe even watch the six o’clock soap on one of the local stations). Who cares? I was just happy the lec was a no show.

2.      Skiving class when paying school fees from your own pocket is a NO NO. There are evenings in the past week, when I was tired and exhausted from work but could not dare go home to relax.  Why? No way am I making my money go to waste. Mum, am sorry for the few (very countable- well, unless you include computer graphics) lessons I missed for reasons that seemed legitimate then- cramps, headache, tummy ache. Now, I just make sure am a painkiller dispenser. There is no way I will miss a lesson, for now.

3.      I respect the 50% pass mark. When we were first told during  our under grad orientation that one only needed to get 50% to pass a unit, I remember thinking how many records I was going to shatter seeing as one only needed to score 70% to have an A. I am all-the wiser now, I respect that mark- in fact you may even say I revere it (How many As I got should not be of interest). One thing under grad taught me is: the seemingly bright students don’t always pass; the weak don’t always fail. This principle in most other cases would be the exception to the rule, but was almost a norm in campus. Sometimes you succeed and sometimes you have to repeatedly do something to succeed. Passing and failing are influenced by so many things- some beyond our control.

4.      First impression makes or breaks you- I went back to the archives and got my under grad first impression manual. Thanks Yvonne and Mercy for making that almost hard and impossible to find (These two are my happy-go-lucky friends and former roommates, whom I credit with making me “more likable”). You don’t want to come across as a snob or too friendly. To be very honest, I don’t even do that. My principle: Be human. That leaves a lot of room to wiggle around.

5.      I still like sitting at the front of the class- Maybe it’s my eyesight or the fact that I have never been a backbencher my entire life and I will not enter an uncharted territory. Something interesting- it’s like these guys at the back of the class are the same ones I went with to high school and uni- only different faces. What’s that thing that PLO said? The forest may change but the monkeys are the same?

6.      People are painstakingly industrious- Folks are back to school for their third and fourth degrees…..and well, me, I am here. That’s what matters. Fact of life is, there is almost always someone better than you- that is if you ain’t Bill Gates(Though Carlos Slim has toppled the guy from the richest man throne once/twice), Usain Bolt (Yohan Blake, Tyson Gay have usurped the king- albeit legally)….you get the flow. I now know not to have the puberty scented entitlement of success. I have to strive to thrive- not just to survive.

7.     Lecturers still evoke some sort of fear- especially those seem to issue threats on every lesson. When you have a lesson named after a lecturer- not because their name is easier to pronounce than the lesson’s but rather, they are the only ones who teach it, BEWARE.  I had two such units in under grad and they weren’t nice.

Learning from lessons of the past and looking with hope into the future, I certainly know that I am on a blessed journey of life. After all, AM EVERY WOMAN.

Today is my first day of school and I cannot help but go down memory lane to all my previous firsts:

First up, Nursery School: Uh huh, I remember and can recount the specifics of that day so vividly that it even scares me. Maybe there is something like selective eidetic memory-and on that note, I have it. Well, my mum was in yellow dress with purple flowers (it really looked awesome on her). To be very honest, I don’t remember how we got to school, but I do remember being at the gate of the school compound. Mum encouraged me to walk in and assured me that she wouldn’t leave but stay right where she was- well that gave me some peace and comfort. A few steps in and I remembered I had not asked her when she would come get me from class, so I ran back to ask. She wasn’t there and that’s when all hell broke loose and water works began. I remember crying so much that my teacher had me sit with her (the whole day?-FYI, I don’t remember going home so I guess the rest of the day was fine).  PS: By the way, my mum wasn’t far when I missed her at the gate; she says she heard me cry and it broke her heart. She cried too!

Primary School: This was so awesome‼! My mum and dad dropped me at school and I freely mingled with others. We were called to assemble and shown to our class. This was a newly formed school with only one class ahead of us, so we were all like age mates. Honestly, I loved my eight years of primary school- that place built my character. But any way, that’s a story for another day.

High School: My mum and her friends took me to school. I was so excited to be in school, that as soon as I was done with registration I hurriedly bid mum and her friends good bye as I set off to explore what would be my “home” for four years. None of the rest of my days in high school was ever as pleasant as that first day. Not to worry, I will someday tell you why.

University-Undergrad: I remember leaving the house with mum at 6.30am. I had gotten admission in a university out of town and in a bid to beat the drag that is registration; mum wanted us to leave home early. We linked up with her friend who had so generously offered to drive us to Uni. I wasn’t excited at all‼! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the thought of pursuing higher education, but rather the fear unknown that dampened my spirits. The thought of being paired up with an unknown and unpredictable roommate(s) was literally driving me bonkers. I had heard all sorts of crazy things about campus and was definitely not looking forward to experiencing that first hand. We got to school early (or so we thought) and the queues were unbearably long. Again, mum to the rescue. We queued at separate stations and halved the time we would have initially spend just queueing at one station. In contrast to my first day of high school, I was homesick before mum even left. I could swear my heart broke down into tiny pieces as she left. That night was the longest I had gone through in a while.

University-Post-grad: No, Mum isn't with me today. Though I must admit that I acknowledge how blessed and lucky I am to have had the opportunity to have had her with me on all my previous first days of school. God knows if she could, she would have accompanied me today, in the evening for my first day in campus for my post graduate degree.

I plan on leaving the office thirty minutes early and walk to the stage where I will catch a matatu to school. The days of mum taking me to school may be a thing of the past but that doesn't mean they are to be forgotten and not appreciated.

After class, it’s back to being a wife and mother, after all AM EVERY WOMAN.